A dissection of a successful query letter

I queried in the autumn of 2020, deep into the pandemic. Since some time has passed now, I thought I can share my query letter and try to parse out what worked, what I could have done better, and what I think ultimately made this letter successful. The reason I’m certain my query worked isn’t just that it ended up getting me an agent, but that it resulted in a great request rate from agents who saw only the query letter and no pages. I must have done something right!

(For the statistics nerds – scroll to the bottom of the post for my stats!)

Here is the query letter I sent Brenna back in October 2020:

So, let’s break it down!

I am excited to offer for your consideration FOUL DAYS, a 102,000-word fantasy inspired by Slavic folklore in the vein of Naomi Novik’s SPINNING SILVER and Katherine Arden’s WINTERNIGHT trilogy.

Do you find it awkward to start a query letter when you have no personal connection to the agent? Me too! However, I’ve found that if you have nothing to say, it’s better to jump right into it, rather than open with generic statements like ‘I saw you’re looking for adult fantasy’. Of course they are, that’s why you’re querying them.

I’ve seen people argue that you should start with the story and leave the housekeeping to the bottom. I tried it both ways, and I had a higher success rate when I opened with my housekeeping. I think it’s because my story is a fantasy, and jumping straight into the unfamiliar world felt disorientating without context. I honestly think it depends on your story where your housekeeping would be most effective—if you have a killer hook in your first plot paragraph, then by all means, open with it.

When it came to comps, I tried picking ones that fit my genre (adult fantasy, but reading rather crossover) and setting, while still being relatively recent. I’m torn whether focusing on the setting (Eastern-European-inspired) rather than on the tone was the right decision, but as I mentioned in a recent twitter thread on comp titles, finding suitable ones can be tricky when you’re writing from a literary tradition that’s not well known in the English-speaking world. If I was querying nowadays, I would handle this a bit differently: I’d include the specific reasons why I’m using each comp, and would probably select one for setting, and another one for tone.

As a witch, Kosara has plenty of practice taming rusalkas, fighting kikimoras, and brewing lycanthrope repellent.

This opening sentence is where I went against advice and took a big risk, including three names of monsters from Bulgarian folklore. I had multiple people advise me not to do that because agents supposedly hate ‘made-up’ words in fantasy queries. However, the words weren’t made-up, they were Bulgarian, and important for my worldbuilding. I felt like they added flavour to my query (‘rusalka’, to me, invokes something very different than a ‘mermaid’). I also felt like if an agent can’t handle three world-specific terms in a fantasy query, especially since I’d taken care to make it obvious what they are in context, they won’t have a great time with my book.

Anyway, to go back to the opening:

As a witch, Kosara has plenty of practice taming rusalkas, fighting kikimoras, and brewing lycanthrope repellent. There’s only one monster she can’t defeat: her ex.

The purpose of these two sentences right at the start was two-fold. Firstly, I wanted to introduce the protagonist and her status quo quickly. We know she’s a witch, we know she lives in a world full of monsters, we know the antagonist will be her ex. But secondly, I thought it was funny, which demonstrates my voice in the manuscript. There’s nothing worse than a dry query, especially if your manuscript itself is voicy!

He’s the Zmey—the tsar of monsters. She defied him one too many times, and now he’s hunting her. To escape his wrath, Kosara’s only hope is to trade her powers for passage across the Wall around her city: a magical barrier protecting the outside world from the monsters within.

Here, I stumbled upon one of the biggest issues when writing a fantasy query – adding worldbuilding without making the agents’ eyes glaze. I think I did an all right job here, since I managed to keep the explanation about the Wall short(ish) and sweet, and I tucked it in after introducing the protagonist. In the original version of this query, I opened with the worldbuilding, and that was a bad idea.

I had several people tell me the Wall sounds cliched since there are so many walled cities in fantasy, which makes me think they misread this particular part of the query. In the world of FOUL DAYS, the Wall serves to protect the outside world from the monster-infested city, rather than to protect the city from the outside world. In any case, I decided to risk it and have the explanation as short as possible, even if I lost a few agents who were fed up with walled cities. I happen to love walled cities!

Kosara sacrifices her magic and flees the city. She should finally be safe—except she quickly realises she’s traded a fast death at the hands of the Zmey for a slow one. A witch can’t live for long without her magic.

I do a lot of query critiques for people, and one thing that’s commonly missing are the stakes. At its core, a query letter needs to centre around your protagonist: who are they, what do they want, who stands in their way, what happens if they don’t get it. It’s very easy to miss this last part, and then the narrative becomes kind of pointless: why doesn’t the protagonist just walk away from this messy situation?

It’s just as easy to leave it vague, outlining the stakes for the world rather than for the protagonist. I often see queries ending on something like, ‘If they fail, the city will be invaded!’ or ‘The world will end!’ Cool, but why do we care about the city or the world? Ironically (especially if you write epic fantasy) the more epic the stakes are, the less the reader cares at this stage. The reader makes a connection with your protagonist; making the stakes personal makes them effective.

Full disclosure: the stakes were missing not only in the first draft of this query, but in the first draft of the manuscript itself. It was my mentor for Author Mentor Match, Rebecca Schaeffer, who suggested adding this time clock for Kosara, which upped the tension ten-fold. 

To sum up: you need stakes, because without stakes you have no tension. You need to make those stakes personal to your protagonist, because vague stakes are as good as no stakes. You absolutely, 100% need to spell out those stakes in the query.

She tracks down the smuggler who helped her escape, planning to steal back the magic she traded, only to find him viciously murdered and her magic stolen. The clues make it obvious: one of the Zmey’s monsters has found a crack in the Wall. Kosara’s magic is now in the Zmey’s hands.

I chose to go a wee bit deeper into the query than some people like, mostly to give the reader a hint of where the story will be going up until the midpoint. I like doing this, because I think it builds tension. I also wanted to make sure I include the Zmey again, just in case the agent was worried he’ll be left behind the Wall when Kosara left Chernograd. The scaly bastard isn’t that easy to shake off, I’m afraid!

I find that ending the query on specifics is important. A lot of queries I read end on the dreaded list: ‘on her journey, she encounters friends and foes, builds strong friendships, and finds her faith tested’. Or ‘during her quest, she encounters bloodthirsty monsters, vicious space pirates, and a dashing captain.’ These aren’t effective endings, because they’re vague. The first one could describe literally any fantasy novel. The second is a list of random people whose relationship with your protagonist and their quest isn’t clear. Your protagonist should always be at the core of the story. We don’t care they meet a dashing captain, unless you’ve told us earlier they’re desperate to find someone to share their canal boat currently moored in central London.

FOUL DAYS is my second novel. It was selected for the Author Mentor Match program, during which I completed extensive revisions under the guidance of a published author. My first novel was published in my native Bulgaria, where it was voted the best debut spec-fic of 2013 and won an encouragement award at the European Science Fiction Society Awards. Currently, I work as an archaeologist in Scotland.

My bio is longish but I felt that was allowed, because it’s all relevant. If you have no previous writing experience, I don’t think you have anything to worry about, at least if you write genre. The most important thing is your story. I added a single sentence about my job and where I’m based. I don’t think that was strictly necessary, but I know agents like to know there’s an actual human being on the other side of the screen. I’ve seen people also mention other details about themselves, like pets or hobbies. Just add whatever you feel comfortable with, and don’t feel like you need to stretch it out longer than a sentence or two.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

This is a standard sign off that I just copied because, honestly, I don’t think your sign off is the place to get creative. I saw someone recently suggest that ‘Thank you for your time’ is enough, and they’re probably right, but ultimately, I don’t think it matters, as long as you use something short and professional. In general, I see a lot of people overthinking the housekeeping portion of the query, but keeping it short and professional is always a good way to go.

That’s it! I found reading successful query letters was immensely helpful in crafting my own, so I hope you find this post useful.

Now, for the people who like this sort of thing, the stats! (With a quick caveat that the querying landscape was bleak in 2020, but it’s even bleaker now–I have no doubt querying nowadays would have resulted in even more ghosts).

Agents queried: 61

Partial requests: 2

Full requests before offer: 8 (including upgrades from the 2 partials)

Full requests after offer: 3

No time to read materials (after nudge with offer): 3 (<– this right here is why you should never nudge agents with an offer you’re not intending to accept!)

Rejections: 34

Ghosts: 21

Ghosts after request: 1

Withdrawn: 1 (for reasons that became public knowledge after I’d queried them)

Agents who replied more than a year later to ask if the materials are still available: 2

 

I’m planning on sharing more in-depth, personal information about my querying and submission journeys (and beyond!) in my newsletter, so make sure to subscribe, if this is something you’d be interested in.